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crystalmethbc.ca :: View topic - Just Wanna Talk
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Just Wanna Talk
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walkingdead
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Joined: May 19, 2006
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PostPosted: Fri May 19, 2006 1:27 am    Post subject: Just Wanna Talk Reply with quote

just like it says i just wanna talk, well its like 3:30 am where i live and i cannot sleep at all, i am not using but i am still in the same patterns as i was then, it has been 6 months but man its hard. i dont know what i am doing here, its the middle of the night and i started to thinnk about my addiction and cravings and was browsing for help sites and this was the first i seen so here i am...i know i dont know any of you and i am sorry jsut to ramble, but i think that its time that i faced that i have a true problem and talk about it, cause in my family, its known that i am addicted but never tyalked about and i started doing meth at the age of 13 and i am now 24, so there is alot of things built up, and id like to get things out and help myself get better....thanks for listening Confused
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phoenix
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PostPosted: Sat May 20, 2006 11:43 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Welcome and please 'ramble' anytime!

I did a lot of writing dureing and after use- it helped me get my head together about things to put it down in black and white. Coming on here is a great way to get some support and feedback- or just get it off your chest and maybe help someone else with their process. I wish it had been around for my withdrawl! I have been clean for 4.5 years, and it feels so good to know I did it -nothing can take away the fact I accomplished clean time and got my life back. Very Happy
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walkingdead
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PostPosted: Sat May 20, 2006 11:04 pm    Post subject: thank you Reply with quote

thank you very much, it does help to get things off my chest because i have not really do that, i write alot also, and i draw, but sometimes its hard for me to even draw cause thats what i used to constantly do when i was high. i am so tempted cause it is everywhere around me in this town, and there is no way for me 2 move right now, so i have to hold on and try to say strong. its been about 6 months and man i never thought that it would be this hard to do it alone without the help of inpatient, but apparently that didi not work either cause i have been there 3 times and i have lasted longer sober on my own than i did when i came from there....there i go rambling again.......i need some advice on some things that i can do to help occupy my time and keep me busy. i know i have to try to stay strong but each day gets harder
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phoenix
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PostPosted: Sun May 21, 2006 12:20 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Congrats on clean time! 6 months is a big achievement. Having the temptation " in your face" is a true test of your resolve, and I commend you on doing so well. In a smaller community, it must be really hard to avoid the whole scene.

I went to a screening last night of a film "Crystal Fear, Crystal Clear". It is based in a small BC community-Hope, just outside Vancouver. I spoke with someone from the production company afterward about the initial screening in Hope. She said it was very well attended- Hope has a population of under 6,000 people, so it affects such a high %. If that is the case with you too, just know that there are people around you that know what you have gone through, are going through, and you have support you may not even be aware of. You are still recovering, but you have lots to give in terms of helping someone elses process as well as your own.
I guess I don't have anything concrete- just gravitate to the people and places that you know will contribute to maintaining your choice to stay clean.

As well as the screening, there was a panel discussion after the film. A Dr Gabor Mate spoke about dopamine and the physiology of meth use. It is amazing any of us clean up! It is hard to feel much of anything after sustained use, but that is key, I think, to getting well. What did you like to do before meth? What were you most interested in? What gave you the greatest pleasure? What did you want for your self ?
Initially, I pushed myself physically. I worked at labour intensive jobs just to build my body up again and sleep soundly. Instead of wired and tired, I was just tired. Kept busy, with no brainer jobs where I could just focus on work, then chill afterward.
I self isolated, stayed away from people and places I knew I would encounter it. It may sound corny, but exercise did make me feel a whole lot better. Eating well, and staying away from stimulants like coffee, sugar, nicotine was the goal- had limited sucsess with all 3 Laughing I can't stress good diet enough, though. Music, and reading and the stuff I have always enjoyed, I did.

I also had a baby. Laughing Not sure I would recomend this approach, though. Wink
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phoenix
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PostPosted: Sun May 21, 2006 9:30 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I never did any rehab or even attend NA groups- no experience with them at all. I wonder if you would tell me why you are having sucsess on your own? What problems do you see with the rehab process?
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walkingdead
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PostPosted: Sun May 21, 2006 1:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

phoenix wrote:
I never did any rehab or even attend NA groups- no experience with them at all. I wonder if you would tell me why you are having sucsess on your own? What problems do you see with the rehab process?


i am not sure why i am having sucess on my own, i am not doing good, but maybe it is because i know what i will lose if i start again, i know what my family would do, so now that i am doing it on my own i am doing it for them and i am also stuck where i am at so i know they can get there hands on me, so i think its mainly fear......rehab, well, the one that i went to was like 100 miles away from my family, so they never came 2 see me, also all they did was put me on medication there and keep me all drugged up all the time, all i did there was eat, sleep, take pills, so it was almost like being on the outside except without family around, also rehab was a problem for me cause i was pissed to be there and i did not get along with people and i just wanted to get high cause you know thats all those kids ever talked about, not in a theraputic way either, rehab was mainly a resource for me to find more drugs and more bleep up people then me....maybe it was also cause i was made to be there, maybe if i went willingly now i could get over this
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walkingdead
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PostPosted: Sun May 21, 2006 1:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

well, thank you, this past 6 months has seemed like 6 years though, lol. yes it is hard in a small community cause it is everywhere you look. ya alot of people have been thru it but every single person around in this town has gone back to it, i have no friends now, cause all of them went back to it, thats why i hate it here, cause ya they know what i am goin thru but they talk so much bleep to me about staying clean, thats how i know they r not true friends, meth affects about 90% of this 12000 people town, and none have succeded in staying clean, my parents dont understand how tempting it is and they say its all in my head and that i will get over it, well, i dont think i will cause its in my face everyday ya know, they think that i can be around it and be fine, i cant though it makes me think stupid, feen, and wanna do it so damn bad, and noone that i can talk to around me understands that....as for what did i liek to do before i did meth...i honestly cant remember, i can hardly remeber bleep anymore, my memory i shot and thats one thing i hate ya know cause i cant remember what the hell i used to do and when i ask my ma, she says i was depressed, and that i used to get into trouble alot, i remember some stuff like the way i was in school but thats about it.....i have thought that having a baby would make me stay clean, but then i found out that i can not have children, and that put me in a downslide for awhile, and i still think about it all the time...i am glad that i am clean now, b ut all i ever wanna do is sleep so i have been clean but lazy and depressed
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phoenix
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PostPosted: Sun May 21, 2006 9:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

It is very hard to get motivated to do anything during withdrawl. Take this time to take care of your physical needs- be good to your body; you've put it through a lot. Your brain will follow. You started so young, and have used for so long- I am guessing it will take a lot of time and effort to find out who you are now. By that I mean what your interested in, what will ultimately make you shape your life.
Your experiences with rehab are some of the reasons I avoided meetings etc. I thought it would be a perfect place to make new contacts, and relapse. I also had no interest in listening to 'war stories' and pissing contests about who did more, better, longer.
I did go on anti depressants, but I have yet to really do a detox on myself-like fast for awhile and cleanse my blood and tissue. I should be doing something like that on a regular basis, even now. Just to combat any long term effects on my body.
As for your friends who are using still- well, there is only one you. Just because they relaped and are using doesn't mean you will. It sucks to have no friends, to be isolated and have triggers and temptations everywhere. You have done 6 months already! That is a huge huge huge achievment! It is a powerful pull- that it is' in your head' doesn't make it any less real. And really hard to contend with, every day. You are very strong to have come this far, I mean that. I am over 4 years clean, and very happy about that, but just images in the media triggers something in my head quite involuntarily, so I know it is a part of me now. Kinda like scar tissue,ya know?
Have you considered anti depressants? What does your doctor suggest?
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walkingdead
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PostPosted: Sun May 21, 2006 10:08 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

ya it is hard for me to get motivated. i dont do anything, and i do hate being so isolated, but i guess this is good for me...i need to focus on myself and my life and what i want. yes, i have been on several different medications, you name it i have been prescribed it, that may also be part of my problem, thank you very much for letting me ramble, you dont know how much this has helped me ya know, i appreciate this cause i dont get to discuss my feelings alot where i am so thank you, i am gonna try to keep focused on me and see how that goes, i am so scared of failure, i am so not used to doing things sober, and this has been a mountain for me, each day is a struggle, and this little town makes it worse
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phoenix
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PostPosted: Mon May 22, 2006 1:58 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

It is a mountain, and you are scaleing it just fine. You are going to look back on this bleak and lonely time one day, and know you went through something very difficult, and you will be able to get thru more of lifes trials because of this. I don't know where you are, but you found this site, so just keep looking for the things you need to stay clean, and trust they will come your way. {{{hugs, baby}}}

As for the med thing- I know you mentioned it, but I didn't want to assume anything about your history, either. I know what you mean about finding doing things sober to be alien. I felt pretty raw for a long time, without anything to buffer. It does get better, it does get easier.

Keep in touch, you aren't walking dead.
You are morphing into another you.
They don't call it labour for nothing. Wink
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walkingdead
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PostPosted: Mon May 22, 2006 4:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

thank you for the support, i know that being an alien is good for me, and it will help mem be stronger cause now is time to worry about myself, i will stick arpound and stay clean thank you for ur support. youhave helped me morer than u will know (hugs hugs)....sara
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phoenix
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PostPosted: Mon May 22, 2006 8:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very Happy Cool.
Happy to have you around here- this site needs more traffic!

That is what it is here for, that is why I am here! Laughing Wink

{{{hugs to you, Sara}}}
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walkingdead
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PostPosted: Mon May 22, 2006 11:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

i cant thank you enough for making me feel welcome, and once again i am sorry if i ramble on alot, i wish that i could get some "friends" to try to talk about things and get sober, if ever i have any luck i will recommend this site for one of their first steps of talking, once again, thank you so much
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phoenix
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PostPosted: Tue May 23, 2006 6:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I think you will find yourself in the future talking to some of your friends,
helping them go through the process of withdrawal, and rebuilding their lives.

They can't help but see that you have moved on, cleaned up, and are getting the monkey off your back. Use can't go on indefinately; sooner or later, your friends will need to quit.

You call it rambling- I think of it as a very healthy human need to reach out, and have contact, and speak freely. Isolating, and bottleing up your very real need to communicate would be counter productive to your healing.

Sara, don't be hard on yourself, sweetie. Very Happy You're doing great!
You have good reason to feel proud of yourself for how far you have come. Cool
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walkingdead
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PostPosted: Tue May 23, 2006 10:17 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

i really hope that i will get to talk to my friends more in the future cause i do miss our sober times that we had, b ut yet there are some "friends" that were just "buddies" ya know, and i will probally not speak with them, i do hope that i can get friendships back, and that alot of them will wake up and get the onkey off their back as well, i hope they know that i wil be there like they are not for me, i am just that way, i will help them they ways they wont help me, and i will stick by them and be ther for them whenever they call, unlike they are for me..... i just hope and pray every day and hope and pray that i can steer clear and keep saying no to temptation, thank you for listening and talking to me, it means so much
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