Posted: Mon May 22, 2006 11:43 pm Post subject: My Never EndingStruggles
i have been dealing with meth addiction since around the age of 14 i am now 24. it has been a long tiring road, it all started by falling into peer pressure, i know i made the choice though. i was a casual user at first, then all hell broke lose, i started using everyday, in my parents' house. i was lying, skipping school, and running away, i ended up getting kicked out of school at 15 and never went back til i was 20 to get my ged then. during that time i was using hard. then around the age of 20, well, i got deeper if ya know what i mean, needless to say, i have been to jail over and over, i was in rehab 3 times, i was on probation from the age of 14 to 21. i was running wild and on my way to prison, i kept lucking out. alot of my friends went to prison, and my family stepped in and brought me back home and i quit using for awhile, one by one they all went to prison, then what do ya know, i found more "friends" and that was it from there...about 6 months ago, i just quit cold turkey, and i tell you what, i am still goin thru withdrawl i think, and my mind is so lost, all i want is to be normal again..meth has ruined my life, i should have learned from my parents' experience when i was younger, but ya know with all the hell i have been thru with meth, i am still tempted, and i hate that....i sure wish that i would have never touched it but on the other hand i am so tempted, so thats why i am here, for support and to try to meet other clean people that are fighting this battle, thank you all for listening to my rambles, and for welcoming me into your haven...thank you
thank you, ya know, tonight i have realized how far i came because i was at work tonight and an old "friend" came to me and wanted to hook up after i got off work and they wanted to catch up and bleep, well, as hard as it was i said no, and told them how i was trying to clean my act up, and ya know they kept tryin and trying to talk me into it, i did not want to because me and this person have been buds for about 8 years, but i had to let them go, i just told em i did not think it was a good idea for us to talk as long as they were using, and ya know all he said was i am sorry you feel that way and walked away, thats the saddest i h ave been in awhile, i have been such good friends with this person or so i thought, ya know i have been around them before while not using, but then again, he has seen me fail so many times before and participated in my failure, it just hurts so bad thats all he had to say, ya know, not even a "ok well im glad that your trying to stay clean" ya know nothing, and i think thats what hurts me the most, i have not felt this down in so long and it almost wants to make me use just so i can have the friendship back, but i have come a long way and i dont think i can do it
you call yourself walkingdead, but your friend is closer to that truth. It is the drug talking- you tend to be singular in your view, and unless ready to crash after days up and xhausted, kind of cold, KWIM?
not trying to xcuse his behaviour...just xplain maybe
so you don't take it on
i am sorry you felt sad, and at a loss
BUT! You stood your ground,
and that is impressive.
You amaze me-I had to move and change my life to escape it...
you are so strong, Sara!
And your heart will mend-
maybe you gave him something to think about.
{{{hugs to you}}}
reading your message made me cry, i wish that i could move to escape, cause i just cant stand losing my friends, it hurts so damn bad, i am scared that i am not gonna be able to stay strong, i have no support here with me and its hard so hard sometimes i do just wanna use so that we can go back to the ol days but it hurts saying no and walking away cause i am walking away from more than a drug
Sara- I feel very sad when you talk about your loss and lonliness.
I know how deep those feelings can run, believe me. I did have the oportunity to move, and I had to confront usage again, the sh*t is everywhere. Even after talking about my experiences, I had new friends start useing, and they had to leave my life. So, I watched new users go through the whole process- and there was nothing I could do to prevent it.
Gradually, I have come to know a few good ppl who know my history, and are well removed from that scene. None of them used, but they are sympathetic, and understand enough not to judge me.
hiya, yes lonliness and loss hurt so bad, i would not want anyone to experience these kind of feelings, i hate the fact that i have to go my seperate ways from friends, and liek you, i have also experienced new friends and had to lose them cause they got caught up in it too, this town here, 4 out of 5 people are on meth, so it is hard to even try to let anyone in and to try to make new friends, i know this is pathetic, but this is the only place that i can find sober, understanding, caring, and supportive people...this has helped me so much already, but it is so hard to face the every day thing of avoiding people and places
Man oh Man- the whole towns high, eh? Must be some desperate psychos by now. I can understand only too well Not wanting to stop useing...but, there must be some ppl there like you, that are doing their best to clean up.
I am sorry the scene is so prevalent; I live where you can find diversity in different scenes, so yes I have had it easier. I certainly recognize who is using, but I don't hang with anyone who does anything but social drink now,
or occasional reef.
What do you think it will take for some of the ppl you know to clean up? Did you ever talk about it with them , and find that it was a common thought?
It sounds like you did some programs, and doing it by yourself is working out for you. I really, really, really hope you find some ppl soon who won't judge you or demonize the drug use and what you have been through, who won't tempt you to use either.
Man oh Man- the whole towns high, eh? Must be some desperate psychos by now. I can understand only too well Not wanting to stop useing...but, there must be some ppl there like you, that are doing their best to clean up.
I am sorry the scene is so prevalent; I live where you can find diversity in different scenes, so yes I have had it easier. I certainly recognize who is using, but I don't hang with anyone who does anything but social drink now,
or occasional reef.
What do you think it will take for some of the ppl you know to clean up? Did you ever talk about it with them , and find that it was a common thought?
It sounds like you did some programs, and doing it by yourself is working out for you. I really, really, really hope you find some ppl soon who won't judge you or demonize the drug use and what you have been through, who won't tempt you to use either.
ya this whole damn town is on that bleep, even the people that you would never think, then you go to a place and there is someone that you would never think would be there, like a town figure ya know, this town does not even have AA or NA meetings...cops are in with some of the dealers ya know, it was just a real shitty place to move, thought it would make things easier and have a better life 10 years ago, but here i am falling down with everyone else, at least if i woulda stayed in the city i coulda been away from it easier, none of my friends wanna be clean, they say they r having too much fun, they just need to wake the hell up, and thats what i have told them, some friends have told me to bleep off, others just ignored me, so i guess i will stick with tryin to keep myself clean, and forget about them until they also decide to get clean, then i will be there for them all they way.. some of the girls that were so beautiful r so gross now, one of my ol best friends, i talked to her the oher day, bleep it was 95 degrees out, she was in winter jumpsuit, pale, puky, and so dirty, she said she wasnt dope sick, but i told her i wasnt stupid and asked her when she was gonna quit that bleep, she smiled at me with the only 2 front teeth that she has in her mouth, and said when it kills me, that made me sad, and i hugged her and told her goodbye, and to get ahold of me when she was ready, she was like ...o you dont wanna come over now, i said no put my head down and waled away, it makes me sad, cause i was just like that maybe worse, and i want her to stop, and she wont, thank god, i kept all my teeth
I am so bleeeeping sorry this is your predicament. I really really am. I wish you could just pick up and move, start over where you don't have it rubbed in your face every day. Hearing about your friend, and thinking about how that would make me feel made me so sad .
Is there really no way you can? Move, and start over somewhere else? It sounds like this town you live in is a sinking ship....
ya, this bleeeeepin sux, and now to make matters worse, my parents have just thrown me out into the hellhole i am not wanting to return to....its a long story but basically, i got a diff job, bleep happened, they r mad, and now they have kicked me out, so this may be the last time i am on for awhile...i am homeless now, moreless gonna be.....so please pray for me to stay strong, i know nothing else do to but pray and it has been years since i have done that so i hope that GOD is listening!!!!!!
OMG baby, count on it; I will be sending you the vibes. You have been through so so much already, and are one tough chicklet - I will be thinking about you. Please, keep in touch whenever you can- I would like to know how you are doing. {{{}}}
o thank you so much, i am not sure what is goin on yet, i was in decatur last night and tonight i can stay here but im not sure what will happen. thank you for all your care, comfort, and supprt, i so appreciate it, it helps me to be stronger, thank you so very much
I hope you can continue to stop in here then. I will be checking in to see if you are. You are really getting tested, aren't you? Hang in there, Sara {{{}}}
well, once again, here i am, i think that my parents have calmed down a bit....omg, yes i am getting so tested....i went to start my new job tonight, and man o man, i tell u what, in my times of fighting the urge, this has been one of the hardest, i walked in and low and behold ya know what i smelled, well, come to find out 3 of the people i will be workin with, i know very well, from my past, my "tweekin" days...i could not f*cking believe it, then i could tell that some was being done ther cause of the odor, to make a l ong story short, it was being done, the people cared less, and i think i made a mistake by working at this place, i dont know what the hell to do, i was offered but i did my best to be alone with the people so that it would not be in my face ya know...it is such a strange situation...i wonder why GOD is testing my willpower like this, they always say thta GOD wont put anymore on ya than you can bare, well, damn he must plan on makin me bigger.....i just dont know, i dont wanna quit the job, cause it pays way better and stuff buty if it is gonna come to my sobriety i am gonna have to quit, but i dont really want to, and i wonder if that is my dumb ass in the back of my head wantin to get wrapped up in this mess, i am not sure, i j ust pray that i have the strength to get thru this
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Sara- I feel very sad when you talk about your loss and lonliness.
