cyndi's poem

[cyndilou]

My memories are few, but my regrets are many,
All of these negative experiences and I am only 20.
My little brother John excels at school and baseball,
I hope he learns from me and his dreams never fall.
All of the things I wish I could explain,
Not talking to him drives me insane.
Every sports ad or article I manage to scope,
Reminds me of all of the time I lost from dope.
Days continue to pass again and again,
Rehab awaits where my new life begins.
Can I rebuild this broken relationship,
Or will this unknown road be a wasted trip?
I want so bad to just hear his voice,
But its my actions that gave him this choice!
Time heals all would, or that’s what they say,
All I can do is give him time and continue to pray.
I hat the feeling of being a lousy sis,
All the things this last year I have missed!
Baseball, homecoming, sweet 16 and more,
This rots me alive, right down to the core.
Nothing can make up for the frequent lies,
And there is not even enough time to apologize.
Eventually he will for forgive, but never forget,
I want to dig a hole and jump into the pit.
But those kind of cowardly actions got me here
As I sit here alone in the empty jail tier.
I dig deep inside to find the real me,
This hard lesson to learn has come with a fee.
What happens the day we finally communicate,
Will he understand the other life ive chose to eliminate?
A life full of dangerous drugs and evil crimes,
Broken promises, shattered dreams, and the hardest of times.
I want to start my new life and erase my past,
And stop putting my loved ones and family dead last!
I’m not asking for a chance, you just watch and see,
The person I am now and am still striving to be.
If you just keep an open mind,
I am confident you will find,
The sister who never missed a game,
And win or lose still loves you the same!!
_________________
*~ LoU lOu *~

[sparkle]

I, for one, know you can do it because it's obvious you have a big heart! You'll be surprised. One day your little bro will appreciate you, not for what you did or didn't do, but for your honesty and bravery in confronting your addiction and illness and for your hard work and honesty in staying clean. You WILL put this behind you one day.

Wait a little longer until you have some clean time behind you, then write him a letter....you have so much to share with him and warn him against. it does get easier with the right supports and people in your life, believe me. I've been clean seven years and there was a time i couldn't imagine a life without blow, - i couldn't imagine how i could survive without it. It sounded dull. Surprise! It's all brain chemistry and stinky thinking! With some clean time behind you, and YOU driving the train instead of the drug, you start to think differently! You have time for YOU now.

You can start with what you can do today. Count the things you DO have, not what you don't. You're alive. You have opportunities. There is Hope. You can have Faith in yourself and tomorrow. You have some quiet time for self improvement and awareness. Baby steps. Sleep. Get strong. Meditate. Be grateful for small things. Write. Journal. Take lots of vitamins and minerals if you can. Read 'The Four Agreements.' (toltec wisdom). Read 'The Invitation' by Oriah Mountain Dreamer. Watch the Paula Cole video, called Comin' Down on UTube(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tY-LopNVfko&feature=related)

Stay strong willed , don't let others get to you, and just BELIEVE in one day at a time...one more day of chaotic living behind you. and another and another....Ask for what you want. Sing. Walk. Connect with a tree. Pray over and over if it helps you.

Good luck Cyndilou. Forgive yourself! You have lots and lots of beautiful days ahead of you and lots of love to give and to receive. Bless you!

[cyndilou]

thank you so much for your reply sparkle! it meant alot. i actually wrote that while doing time on some charges i accumilated trying to get drugs! i thank god everyday for the fact i was put in a surrendering position or i would have never gotten clean! i have just celebrated a year clean. i have 5 months in recovery. if it sounds weird i understand. i was arrested jan. 07 and released end of sept. 07 so technically i have been clean since jan 07. but i really dug into my recovery when i got out in september and went to rehab. luckly i have been able to move out of the town i was in, to a whole different state. i will go back eventually.

good news is though, i went home for christmas and for the first time in a few years me and my brother were in the same room. we actually had a real good conversation. he got an assingment the week after i left about over coming obsticles and chose to write about about me. he won the schollarship for it and was really able to get some insight on what really happened. the drugs were only part of it.

anyway. i really appreciate your words! they meant alot to me. i will check out the materials you recommended! i love that kind of stuff! i am enjoying life these days. and it wasnt till i really opened my eyes that i realized how much stuff i was missing. and wow is it beautiful!

cyndilou
_________________
*~ LoU lOu *~

[sparkle]

YOU ROCK Girl!! Your post proves to others who may be reading these forums and looking for answers, that recovery is not only possible but you CAN get your life back and it then has meaning and pleasure in it!!!

The old ways that we felt, the old patterns we held, the people we called friends, were just illusions and the new and IMPROVED version we become after recovery and clean time, are truly worth pursuing. In fact didn't you go, what was i thinking??! Well, you weren't, the drugs do that for you and isn't it GREAT to be free and no longer be a slave to a substance?!

I had figured that you were entering recovery after the jail time and felt certain that your little brother would respect you for the efforts you made to get your life back on track. Most kids are naturally forgiving....that's why they are the hope for the future. Many adults still seem to have a little difficulty with that.

Peace! Good luck from Victoria BC!!