Posted: Mon Jul 24, 2006 10:02 pm Post subject: 2 very different catastrophes.
Fifty days off meth today. Not a day goes by, lately, that I don't crave it intensely - taking money out of a drawer, walking to a dealer, turning around before I get there, walking back (40 minutes each way!) - repeating the ritual again and again, sometimes making the trek three times in a day. I remain clean, but it's been such a tremendous fight these past few days that I've taken to reading from selections in world literature I can relate to just to get through the grind.
One of the great parallels I have discovered: i've noticed that in the poetry and stories of Holocaust survivors there are a great many similarities to the feelings and memories haunting my brain.
To get through the most recent bout of craving (which began in earnest around day 46) I have had to find similarities; the desolation the victims of the camps felt, wrote of, and sang of is (superficially at least) very very close to the massive human tragedy of meth, a tragedy I witnessed, as did most of you - a tragedy I survived, as most of you have.
Here is a poem by a Holocaust survivor just to show you what I mean by "similarity". I hope it inspires and helps.
UNANSWERED....?
by DUNIO BERNHAUT
Will I always remember?
Can I ever forget
Or is the sentence perpetual and conclusively set?
Will the memories dwindle?
Can the torment subside
Or is the cycle relentless as the flow of the tide?
Will sadness release me?
Can I ever know joy
Or is fate still unfolding some merciless ploy?
Will somebody know me?
Can I be seen through the haze
Or is the image evasive, an intricate maze?
Will my life serve a purpose?
Was it carefully planned
Or is destiny adding one more granule of sand?
Like shadowy visions concealing in fear
Most answers elusive, opaque and unclear
But these so translucent through a shroud of regret:
Yes, I will always remember; No, I can never forget....
Wow! Congratulations on your near 3 months of clean time, Tooreclusive! 50 days, plus 9, is significant. Stay the course - "just for this moment..."
The poem, which you thoughtfully typed out, spells out uncertainty indeed. Today, the Holocaust remains the disparaging reality of our own humanity... Unthinkable acts committed on others... And through it all, the victims held tight to unwavering, silent solidarity. Bernhaut's writing is gift of this insight, hope and direction.
It might help to take a pen and paper along on your walks. If you feel comfortable breaking the routine of your ritualistic walk, plan a place to briefly stop. Use this opportunity to journal. Write about whatever is on your mind or in your heart. This too may be a gift; at some point in the future, you may want to look back at your thinking through this time of your life.
If you haven't already, consider inviting "clean"/ sober people into your recovery. It helps to have a sounding board when unreasonable thoughts come to mind - and they will come to mind. It is important to have people around you that really care about you and the quality of your life - in this moment. People need people; not one of us can do life alone.