Let me tell you what i think on and off again use means: i started at 16 when i entered the party scene(raves) i had gotten sick of using e and plus crystal meth was what all the other cooler kids were using. "oldschool party kids"
then i had gotten so skinny i dropped down to 86 pounds...( i am 5'2 but let me describe how brutal that was, picture this your standing in a mirror looking at your self before having a shower and when you take your bra straps off your bra falls to the ground never even slowing down going past your hips/ass.
Anyway i went to rave one time Well i went to 5 in one weekend and one just happend to be summer love, i jumped in the lake got phenomia and slept for 4 days straight, didnt even get up to pee.
that was the first time i cleanded up. Stayed clean for 9 months. then it was my 18th birthday and i decided hey i can do just a couple lines..after that i was going to afterhours..i had graduated from raves to afterhours...also was introduced to GHB and lots of sex. whatever..i managed to get through that scene un-scathed but not everyone did and i watched alot of people drop like flies.
I got a boyfriend and the hell outta downtown vancouver for 3 years. stayed off the shit mostly except for when i came to van in the summer for a visit..now this is where shit hits the fan.
i started smoking it. i was almost 21 years old my ex-boyfriend had never tried the shit so i said here take this....handed him a pipe. He ended up going on a 7 day binge and did an armed robbery at a mowhawk gasstation...did 3 years in the pen..so when he went to jail i started with my crystal meth use HARDCORE.
i had never been arrested untill the night i turned 21, i had just started smoking it and hangin out with gak heads..we stole mail, did fraud, and stole cars. i have been in and out of jail for the past 2-3 years, i have a hard time getting people to take me seriously even if im not using at that time.
I met and fell in love with another addict that was like me, didn't belong in that world and was not at all ready to write himself off to the gak pipe. Well he told me that i was so much better than all this shit and i eventually fell into a real bad co-dependant relationship with him..still in it 2 years later.
last january i had been arrested yet again, while he was in another province cleaning up, i found out i was pregnant in jail, and had nver been happier, i had been told that having childeren wasn't an option for me after all the drug abuse. I loved my boyfriend so much and dreamed of getting clean and starting a family from the first time i met him.
Well i thought what a better way to get the ball rolling....i had been clean since i got pregnant, i was in jail, all i had to do was stay clean when i got out and forever after that. sounds hard but i thought a baby would make things easier.
Holy shit was i wrong. It was only a reason to be noticed by every single authority figure in the community , and i had already been on a CSO with 17 conditions by my probation officer, anyway i used 3 times during pregnancy, in the beginning i went to find my bf when i got out and he was using still, so i relapsed of course....but we got some strength from somewhere and quit. Then i was 2 weeks before my due date and heard from somewhere that if you use the best time to do it is at the end of your pregnancy...after the baby had developed.
Who am i trying to kid i was making excuses for myself to get high cause i walked in and there he was (myboyfriend) hangin off the pipe. Fuck, it put me in labour, i tested positive at the time of birth so did my son. Luckily they didnt take him away...just gave me a supervision order. oh i forgot to tell you i got breached for using went back to jail. My baby was one month old but dad stayed home with him for two weeks. I got out and i missed one dr appointment for my son and now he is in foster care.
he is four months old and so precious to me i am heartbroken. crystal meth is way too much. I have been on the shit for way too long. I hope there is someone out there who can kinda relate to my story...i know its long but believe you, me it only gets that way after you keep using....your story gets longer and longer andlonger.
I guess i have done ok latley....i have finally for the first time gotten help from addiction services i see a counsoler once a week and she helped me get into this really good recovery house, i just love it here.
Im coming up on getting my 30 days next wed at n/a. thats a big deal to me. Im tryingto cope with losing my son and coming off meth at th same time, it sucks. I get these weird vibrations through my body still and i have almost 30 days clean.
Its worst than herion, i was hooked on that at one time too, didnt have nearly as hard of a time getting off that shit. Im going to be taking my son to a treatment center for moms and babies soon here, !
and i will hopefully complete that program and then i can take my son home.....i hope to have him back at home by the time he starts walking. Its the hardest thing in the world waking up everyday sober as a judge and remembering that my son is being held and loved by someother woman.
Its like the whole time in my using i just did it to forget about shit i didnt want to deal with and make people feel sorry for me and my situation, so any kind of disfunction or bad situation was an excuse to use.
Then oneday this happens and all i know is to pick up right.....but i cant because the connection i have to my baby is so much more than the one i have to the pipe. Its so fucking hard for me to face all of this because i am not high, but i do it everyday....im a firm believer in karma and well i guess this is just what i get for what ive done, and its hard so hard,
everyday i think about using at some point, but every other second of every other day i am thinking about brendan and how much i want him to be in my arms. I also just want to be ta ken seriously again you know??
Not looked at by the public as a crystal meth addict....we are not just addicts we are our own kind of super addicts...ones ho9oked on speed. Its like society used to look at herion users as "those junkies" now its meth. and its frowned apon even worse.
sorry to chat your face off but holy cow im just so depressed these days i thought it may help to get it out there.
Please anyone with any kind of response just throw it out there i dont care, believe me its gonna take alot to hurt me i have scared myself so bad that i can take anything anyone has to say......well almost anything i guess im pretty sensitive about my son and what i did.....but i also know that its something i need to take responsibility for if i ever want him back.
thanks alot
